i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
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We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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