Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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