my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
