Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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