guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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