Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
