i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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