Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.