I accidentally burped into my bong.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
