It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
