There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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