how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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