Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
