I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"