Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.