so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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