she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
where are you?
Hypothermia
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
