You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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