I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
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