felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
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Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
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