I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
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Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
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my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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