just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
