so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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