does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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