Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
The ass gains better be worth it
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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