I faked an abortion last night.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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