I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
