yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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