i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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