My Higher Power is John Stamos
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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