apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
