drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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