I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
