Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
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and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
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I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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