I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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