Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
