So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
