if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
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Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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