Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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