Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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