Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize