Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
