My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
