Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
