and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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