Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
