yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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