just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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