It's like God shit irony all over that family
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
