im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
