Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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