Kiss
Puke
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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