Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
