Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
